need vs want vs reality

OM: it galls me to think why you are doing this.., isn’t this such a loser move?

Mia: why is it a loser move?

Om: you writing here and not even making it private but you are also not making it public.. why waste such a space in this worldwide web?

Mia: it’s therapy for me. It helps me think and get a rein on what I really feel inside. It allows me to focus.

Om: Focus on what? Being such a loser? Being a quitter?

Mia: maybe. But we both know that I am not running away. I am merely doing the thing I’ve always learned. Stay in sight but out of mind. Heck, that was how I was raised up. Just be there and never show what you really think and feel.

Om: We also know that you were never a doll. That you always had a mind of you own.

Mia: Did I? nah, I know deep down that I was a willing sheep till I learned the hard way that there is just no way to please my old man. That everything should go his way or you are not really his kin or along that lines.

Om: it still pains you that they never did understand you huh? That they prefer to see you with what they think than who you really are?

Mia: of course, I will never forget the moment he told his friend that I am just here to spend money that we don’t have. It still hurts, I tried to run away and just get lost but family is family. I can never live with myself if I ever forget that. Hell, I got scared when there was a point in time that I had it too much that I could’ve lived knowing that I only cared for them as the next person beside me at work.

Om: I know, it scared the hell out of me too.

Mia: it was like living the life of the ultimate loser you know? Knowing that even your own family does not know you or bother enough to know you as you are. But have I really tried that hard to think about them in my place? Hell yeah. But I think it is also the right time for me to let go of what their ideal of a perfect daughter would be, it’s time I find myself. And know that in time, I will find the way to walk in finding out what I really want.

Om: we know you know what you want, love, family, understanding and the dream.

Mia: yeah, but I always lived the life in line of being what others thought of me and I’m nowhere near that dream., I was once but we knew what happened… heck it should’ve burned me but it just made me know better.. you can never have anyone think they know you.., you can never expect much as you can expect in yourself.., in this world, no one really gives a damn about what you think and feel but your own.. but it’s nice to hope that someday, someone will look into these eyes of mine and reach deep down to know the person I really am and not just who the world thinks I am.., that’s just a bit too much to ask knowing that it can happen in one in a million light years from now..,

..,

Om: Why do you always read that crappy romance novels? I mean it’s not like you believe in that reality. Don’t you find it a waste of your time?

Mia: It’s not that I don’t believe in it. I do. It’s just that I know that it will never happen to me. I know that I am not that kind of girl.

Om: Aren’t you selling yourself short? You know that you can find that perfect one you know?

Mia: Maybe..,

Om: Maybe,shmaybe—Have you ever given one of them the time of the day? Admit it. Admit the truth that you are just running away from the truth.

Mia: You know me so well, why do you keep asking?

Om: I am hoping that you would come to your senses on your own.

Mia: Haven’t you thought that I may also know why I am like this? Why I prefer to hide behind the books that I read?

Om: We both know that you do. You are just scared to face the facts.

Mia: Would admitting them change a thing? Will it make my reality better? Will it take away this jaded view that I have?

Om: It might, if you will allow it to. If you will just give it a try, everything is
worth a shot.

Mia: I did, I already gave this a chance. All it got me was further proof that it does not exist in my world but here in my head. In my alternate reality, love can find me and it can make my world the beautiful happy place that it is meant to be.

Om: Shouldn’t it be better if you allow your reality to be the world that you want to live in? Where you do not have to dream about it anymore for it is there right before your eyes?

Mia: I am not giving up on that hope. I am not closing my doors, I am merely biding my time, allowing the ball to come into my life when the time is right. I won’t go looking for it, it’s already killing me to hope that someday my own happy ending would come true.

Om: So you pretend that you don’t care and just read about it in those book of yours?

Mia: Yes. Because in those books, I know that they get their happy endings. That all things can happen and that just knowing that these things can happen to 2 souls out there is enough for me. I am selfish but it’s enough knowing that true love is happening out there.

Om: The problem with you is that you are too idealist and you want everything to go with that created plot of yours.

Mia: You are right but it’s better this way.., I know what I want and I know I will never get it for the guys I know I want only exists in books. I never wanted to give up on anything but reality tells you that wishing is for big babies. Romance novels, they are not my escape. They are my reality, the reality that all good things, all happy endings only happen in books.

Om: Someday, we both know that you will have to decide on which reality you want to live in. I just hope that you be happy whatever that reality you choose to be yours will be.

Mia: I know and I’m hoping for the same thing too. Maybe it will happen tomorrow, today or whenever—as of the moment, I will just continue to live with my books..,

...,

eve:what is it about love that keeps you wishing and pulling back? i've seen you do it a lot of times you know?

aris: it's not that i'm doing it on purpose., it just seems to happen..,

eve: maybe because you want it to? maybe coz ur just to scared to fall?

aris: m not afraid really., it's just that there is no one.,

eve: what do you mean no one? what do you call those guys out there? don't they mean nothing to you?

aris: they do., okay maybe not that much.., why should they?

eve: that's where your problem is, you do not give yourself the chance to let them in.., you only show them the side that you want.., the good, untouchable side., the one that no one would be good enough for.,

aris: maybe..,

eve: you are not even contradicting me.., maybe you just want to live alone for the rest of your life., you act like you don't care but i know you wish for love too.., for it to come your way..,

aris: i did once believe that someday if i'll be good enough my prince will come and find me.., but reality gets to you,, and you learn that happy endings only come in fairy tales.,

eve: not all happy endings are found in books only., it's those people out there that took the time to reach out, to risk their pride and the possibility of a broken heart that found it., i know yo know that all great things in life must be strived at..,

aris: i never said otherwise.., but you know what? no matter how hard i try.., no matter how hard i try to be real.., it's like there is not much I can do.., it seems that i've already allowed the world to stereotype me that i don't bother to break free from that aspect anymore..,

eve: i never knew that you felt that way.., i just thought you were being stubborn..,

aris: no one knows coz at one point i just gave up wishing and dreaming.., i realized that all these years i've been building walls around me.., time has been kind to these walls that they grow stronger every passing moment..,

eve: you know better than that... a lot of people like you and would be sad to see you sad..,

aris: i know.., but love is not just about finding someone to care for you.., it is all about finding that someone willing to climb over the gates that you erected around you., to know the real you and be able to see a future together..,

:D

so m bored writing ahahah wanna try something..,this time.., i'll be talking to myself., i'll be writing about conversations and the flow it ought to have..

i'm not living in a real world.., but here in this blog.., there is only one rule.., MINE.., :D


g: I don't know.., i'm scared..,
b: what are you afraid of? i'm listening.., maybe I can help..,,
g: (pauses.., sighs deeply) i'm scared to fall for the wrong guy.., to give my all and never even be seen..,
b: ...
g: (tries not to look at anything or anyone) i'm not looking for someone perfect..,
heck.., m more scared to find out that i'm not half the person he thinks I am..,
b: ...
g: (shrugs and gives out a steely look)
g: this is why i shouldn't have bothered to tell this to you.., you just don't get it..,
b: (looks at her for the first time) maybe.., what you say is true., but aren't you cheating yourself on the chance to be happy? to actually allow him to love you? are you happier thinking it could have been you and not some girl?
*silence*
b: (whispers to self) maybe.., if you will just allow me., you'll see.., being perfect is not what it's all about.., what i would give for you to just see me and allow me to love you as you are.,


haha cheesy much.., oh well.., that's all for now.., :D

F woRd

I know that I made this spot on the internet to show the world the part of me that believes in Love and that I have another blog where I show the real me. Well guess what.., I am not that person.., I just fool myself that I am that person.

Once again, just when I thought that things would pick up in my life. I am again standing at the cross-roads. I am again forced to evaluate the life that I have and the life I want.

Have I become a better person? Am I happier? Does anybody even give a damn?

I know that instead of sulking, I should go out and enjoy life. That somehow,I am in control of my life.

Deep down, I know that I am just one big farce. I act tough so that I won't get hurt but I think right now, there is nothing else to hurt as I was already broken a couple of years ago. That right now, I only feel frustrated and numb. That all the disappointments that still come my way is nothing but the truth of life that I just accepted in my life. That nothing good ever ever lasts. That the people that I allow to matter and hope to stay with me will never hurt me as they would know how loyal I can be.

Time and time,reality that you can never rely on anyone never ceases to amaze me. So I'm gonna stop this farce. I will never be happy in life in this lifetime as I am a coward and I still let other people run over me.

But last 2 years I reinvented myself on becoming a person that would not settle for no and who has rebuilt the wall of detachment. This time from this point on, I will stop dreaming, I will stop wishing. No one can understand me and no one will ever bother to.

I am special, I am strong, I am unique but I am just a human being deep down inside but this time, I'll just cease to hope but just aim to make the journey better and faster.

I gotta stop believing that people can be honest and just accept and respect me as me.

That is my impossible dream and I will just focus on the things that I can do on my end and from this point on, just live for finding myself and who I am and what I wanna be.

My life may be a failure but I am not gonna allow it to make me want to stop breathing.

not mine for the taking

There are girls that are born attractive, pretty, talented and smart. I can’t say that I am ugly. I get my fair share of admiration. It is just that I get to be sad. Ever since I can remember, I have this notion that I will meet this special guy that was specially born for me as I was born for him. I dreamt of the times when our paths would cross. All these dreams have one thing in common, the guy finds me first. That is the way it should be right? Guy sees girl and knows deep down that she is the one for him.

Most of the time while I was growing up, I never gave much thought to these things. But it is really ironic, it is during these times that feelings stir and guys come knocking and letting me know they exist. There was only one guy who made me want to believe that I am worthy of having romance. Yet, even this guy fell short of what I wanted in life. I was happy all the same. Life had a different meaning and everything beautiful.

Not all love story ends in happy ending and this is not one of those. I ended up hurt and lost and scared. That did not stop me from wishing that someday I’ll get over him and meet someone new. Someone who will be better and would love me greater to actually take the risk of letting me see that LOVE can happen.

These past months, I realized that I have already forgiven him and that I also did my fair share of heartaches. Sometimes we are the ones to get hurt and the other times we cause the pain. I also fell in love with the possibility of falling in love that I actually made myself believe in this reality. I allowed myself to hope but luckily, life provides me direct reproach during these times. Reality pops in and provides me not just warning but the truth that I cannot hope for these guys to take me seriously and actually care for me in that way.

I admit that I am now bummed out from all this. That I question why is it that there are girls far off worse from me but actually find someone who will care about them enough to love them, risk and fight for them. Then I deluded myself into thinking that maybe I have just not met the right guy. That someday my own price will come.
I want to know how it feels like to have Love a part of my reality. I admit that I get jealous of others who take the risks and actually find that person who wants to be a part of their future as that center of their lives. I get scared that I will end up alone. I do not show this weakness as I don’t want guys to take advantage of my fear.

I used to think that the problem is not with me but with the guys I meet. That I am too independent thinking and that I am too weird. I realized that it might be true. I keep people caged out as I do not want to get hurt, but that should not be enough for guys to lose hope and just give up. I get to think and right now, I know why. There are people destined to find the love of their lives and I am not one of them.
It was foolish of me and I will never allow myself to imagine a future with someone else. That might never happen for me and I should start accepting my reality that I am not just the girl worth the wait, time, effort and risk. So now, I will never allow myself to hope. That way, I don’t hurt myself further. I know I’m a coward but it’s who I am and I am tired of hoping and wishing and asking for Love to find me.

sileNt whisPer

I once dreamed as a child that I will get to have my own prince charming--a dashing, handsome and adorable prince to color my world and make everything right. Growing up with fairy tales tend to create this false idealism that girls should just wait for the right guy to make everything perfect.


Sad to say, I grew out of this fantasy way to early. I saw the flaw of the “prince charming” phenomenon.


I realized that it takes 2 to make a relationship work. I learned to see my worth and yearned to look not for the perfect guy but for the right guy. Yes, there is a difference between the two. The perfect guy is the person we were always meant to believe in. The one person who will make everything right, who seems to have mood and thought sensors that is on all the time. The right guy is the one who will be there not just to adore you but to see and respect you for who you are and your thoughts. The real difference between the perfect guy and the right guy lies in the ability of you being comfortable as you are.


There are also perfect guys in this world, they are not just found in fairy tales. Sad to say, we always wake up from the dream and long for someone real. Someone with flaws, tempers and moods just like us. It is not perfection that makes real Love happen. It’s those little details that you love to hate and hate to love that spells True Love. Everyone can love a rose, but not everyone can love the thorns.

the PerfEct dreaM guy

I remember back in high school, I made a checklist of my perfect guy. It had almost every girl could wish for in a guy. I remember making revisions on it -- not thas o wish for a handsome guy but cute enough to make me feel pretty as well.

If I remember right, the checklist had these items/characteristics to tick off:

*cute enough (not ugly-not too handsome that I get to check myself in the mirror second guessing if he is prettier than me or if I am worthy of his looks as well)

*nice

*confident and with a good dose of pride (it's hard to deal with insecure people as they do not really know how to love another, they can't even love themselves enough)

*has a good sense of humor

*tries to understand me above all else

*sees me as me and loves me for who I am (doesn't anybody wish for this kind of love?)

*God-fearing

*respects me and my ideas

*pamper me as a baby but love me as his queen

*articulate and a good conversationalist (admit it, who wants a cute face who can't even hold a conversation?)

*not afraid to be seen with me

*finds himself lucky to be given my time (i admit, I love myself to much not to let anyone in.., LOL)

*has the x-factor

*befriends my friends and tries to get to know my family

*gives me my freedom

*and the patience with me on my moods



The funny thing is,I did get to meet my kind of dream guy. He has the looks,the brains and the personality. The sad thing though, it never did work out. He was everything I ever wanted and more.

The heart is indeed a strange body part. You can never force it to beat faster for someone whom you think is right for you. My highschool checklist may not have come true but as I run through the list again,I find that I would still like a guy to be just as I wanted them before. I maybe a little jaded now, but I will never ever loose hope that someday, my dream guy and me will have our own happy ending.

As of the moment, I am wishing and thinking that there be a dream guy shop who provides you the man of your dreams. I will continue to wish on the stars, out of billions of people on this earth.., there's got to be that someone for me as much as I am for Him.

wiShes might Come True

I admit that I am romantic by heart. I believe that love should be this and not that. I dream and wish for the moment that I will get to be swept off my feet by the one who will make me realize why for the love of me -- can't seem to get the idea of falling inlove work.

I am selfish. I wish to fall but I don't take the risk. It hurts to much to give all your heart only to end up knowing that it was not meant to be. This selfishness of mine does not stop me from wishing, from the depths of my heart, that I will get to find my own love story.

I act as if I don't care,that I don't have the time to fall in love. That I really could not care about somebody else.

Really.., what does it take for that someone to see me as me and break down the walls I built around my heart?

I am reaching out.., not just to be seen and be loved.., but for someone to take the time and get to know me and show that I am worth all the sacrifices.


Alas! That is why fairy tales only happen in books.., but maybe.., one day I will get to find my OwN PrincE.