Thursday, September 23, 2010

need vs want vs reality

OM: it galls me to think why you are doing this.., isn’t this such a loser move?

Mia: why is it a loser move?

Om: you writing here and not even making it private but you are also not making it public.. why waste such a space in this worldwide web?

Mia: it’s therapy for me. It helps me think and get a rein on what I really feel inside. It allows me to focus.

Om: Focus on what? Being such a loser? Being a quitter?

Mia: maybe. But we both know that I am not running away. I am merely doing the thing I’ve always learned. Stay in sight but out of mind. Heck, that was how I was raised up. Just be there and never show what you really think and feel.

Om: We also know that you were never a doll. That you always had a mind of you own.

Mia: Did I? nah, I know deep down that I was a willing sheep till I learned the hard way that there is just no way to please my old man. That everything should go his way or you are not really his kin or along that lines.

Om: it still pains you that they never did understand you huh? That they prefer to see you with what they think than who you really are?

Mia: of course, I will never forget the moment he told his friend that I am just here to spend money that we don’t have. It still hurts, I tried to run away and just get lost but family is family. I can never live with myself if I ever forget that. Hell, I got scared when there was a point in time that I had it too much that I could’ve lived knowing that I only cared for them as the next person beside me at work.

Om: I know, it scared the hell out of me too.

Mia: it was like living the life of the ultimate loser you know? Knowing that even your own family does not know you or bother enough to know you as you are. But have I really tried that hard to think about them in my place? Hell yeah. But I think it is also the right time for me to let go of what their ideal of a perfect daughter would be, it’s time I find myself. And know that in time, I will find the way to walk in finding out what I really want.

Om: we know you know what you want, love, family, understanding and the dream.

Mia: yeah, but I always lived the life in line of being what others thought of me and I’m nowhere near that dream., I was once but we knew what happened… heck it should’ve burned me but it just made me know better.. you can never have anyone think they know you.., you can never expect much as you can expect in yourself.., in this world, no one really gives a damn about what you think and feel but your own.. but it’s nice to hope that someday, someone will look into these eyes of mine and reach deep down to know the person I really am and not just who the world thinks I am.., that’s just a bit too much to ask knowing that it can happen in one in a million light years from now..,

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