need vs want vs reality

OM: it galls me to think why you are doing this.., isn’t this such a loser move?

Mia: why is it a loser move?

Om: you writing here and not even making it private but you are also not making it public.. why waste such a space in this worldwide web?

Mia: it’s therapy for me. It helps me think and get a rein on what I really feel inside. It allows me to focus.

Om: Focus on what? Being such a loser? Being a quitter?

Mia: maybe. But we both know that I am not running away. I am merely doing the thing I’ve always learned. Stay in sight but out of mind. Heck, that was how I was raised up. Just be there and never show what you really think and feel.

Om: We also know that you were never a doll. That you always had a mind of you own.

Mia: Did I? nah, I know deep down that I was a willing sheep till I learned the hard way that there is just no way to please my old man. That everything should go his way or you are not really his kin or along that lines.

Om: it still pains you that they never did understand you huh? That they prefer to see you with what they think than who you really are?

Mia: of course, I will never forget the moment he told his friend that I am just here to spend money that we don’t have. It still hurts, I tried to run away and just get lost but family is family. I can never live with myself if I ever forget that. Hell, I got scared when there was a point in time that I had it too much that I could’ve lived knowing that I only cared for them as the next person beside me at work.

Om: I know, it scared the hell out of me too.

Mia: it was like living the life of the ultimate loser you know? Knowing that even your own family does not know you or bother enough to know you as you are. But have I really tried that hard to think about them in my place? Hell yeah. But I think it is also the right time for me to let go of what their ideal of a perfect daughter would be, it’s time I find myself. And know that in time, I will find the way to walk in finding out what I really want.

Om: we know you know what you want, love, family, understanding and the dream.

Mia: yeah, but I always lived the life in line of being what others thought of me and I’m nowhere near that dream., I was once but we knew what happened… heck it should’ve burned me but it just made me know better.. you can never have anyone think they know you.., you can never expect much as you can expect in yourself.., in this world, no one really gives a damn about what you think and feel but your own.. but it’s nice to hope that someday, someone will look into these eyes of mine and reach deep down to know the person I really am and not just who the world thinks I am.., that’s just a bit too much to ask knowing that it can happen in one in a million light years from now..,

..,

Om: Why do you always read that crappy romance novels? I mean it’s not like you believe in that reality. Don’t you find it a waste of your time?

Mia: It’s not that I don’t believe in it. I do. It’s just that I know that it will never happen to me. I know that I am not that kind of girl.

Om: Aren’t you selling yourself short? You know that you can find that perfect one you know?

Mia: Maybe..,

Om: Maybe,shmaybe—Have you ever given one of them the time of the day? Admit it. Admit the truth that you are just running away from the truth.

Mia: You know me so well, why do you keep asking?

Om: I am hoping that you would come to your senses on your own.

Mia: Haven’t you thought that I may also know why I am like this? Why I prefer to hide behind the books that I read?

Om: We both know that you do. You are just scared to face the facts.

Mia: Would admitting them change a thing? Will it make my reality better? Will it take away this jaded view that I have?

Om: It might, if you will allow it to. If you will just give it a try, everything is
worth a shot.

Mia: I did, I already gave this a chance. All it got me was further proof that it does not exist in my world but here in my head. In my alternate reality, love can find me and it can make my world the beautiful happy place that it is meant to be.

Om: Shouldn’t it be better if you allow your reality to be the world that you want to live in? Where you do not have to dream about it anymore for it is there right before your eyes?

Mia: I am not giving up on that hope. I am not closing my doors, I am merely biding my time, allowing the ball to come into my life when the time is right. I won’t go looking for it, it’s already killing me to hope that someday my own happy ending would come true.

Om: So you pretend that you don’t care and just read about it in those book of yours?

Mia: Yes. Because in those books, I know that they get their happy endings. That all things can happen and that just knowing that these things can happen to 2 souls out there is enough for me. I am selfish but it’s enough knowing that true love is happening out there.

Om: The problem with you is that you are too idealist and you want everything to go with that created plot of yours.

Mia: You are right but it’s better this way.., I know what I want and I know I will never get it for the guys I know I want only exists in books. I never wanted to give up on anything but reality tells you that wishing is for big babies. Romance novels, they are not my escape. They are my reality, the reality that all good things, all happy endings only happen in books.

Om: Someday, we both know that you will have to decide on which reality you want to live in. I just hope that you be happy whatever that reality you choose to be yours will be.

Mia: I know and I’m hoping for the same thing too. Maybe it will happen tomorrow, today or whenever—as of the moment, I will just continue to live with my books..,

...,

eve:what is it about love that keeps you wishing and pulling back? i've seen you do it a lot of times you know?

aris: it's not that i'm doing it on purpose., it just seems to happen..,

eve: maybe because you want it to? maybe coz ur just to scared to fall?

aris: m not afraid really., it's just that there is no one.,

eve: what do you mean no one? what do you call those guys out there? don't they mean nothing to you?

aris: they do., okay maybe not that much.., why should they?

eve: that's where your problem is, you do not give yourself the chance to let them in.., you only show them the side that you want.., the good, untouchable side., the one that no one would be good enough for.,

aris: maybe..,

eve: you are not even contradicting me.., maybe you just want to live alone for the rest of your life., you act like you don't care but i know you wish for love too.., for it to come your way..,

aris: i did once believe that someday if i'll be good enough my prince will come and find me.., but reality gets to you,, and you learn that happy endings only come in fairy tales.,

eve: not all happy endings are found in books only., it's those people out there that took the time to reach out, to risk their pride and the possibility of a broken heart that found it., i know yo know that all great things in life must be strived at..,

aris: i never said otherwise.., but you know what? no matter how hard i try.., no matter how hard i try to be real.., it's like there is not much I can do.., it seems that i've already allowed the world to stereotype me that i don't bother to break free from that aspect anymore..,

eve: i never knew that you felt that way.., i just thought you were being stubborn..,

aris: no one knows coz at one point i just gave up wishing and dreaming.., i realized that all these years i've been building walls around me.., time has been kind to these walls that they grow stronger every passing moment..,

eve: you know better than that... a lot of people like you and would be sad to see you sad..,

aris: i know.., but love is not just about finding someone to care for you.., it is all about finding that someone willing to climb over the gates that you erected around you., to know the real you and be able to see a future together..,

:D

so m bored writing ahahah wanna try something..,this time.., i'll be talking to myself., i'll be writing about conversations and the flow it ought to have..

i'm not living in a real world.., but here in this blog.., there is only one rule.., MINE.., :D


g: I don't know.., i'm scared..,
b: what are you afraid of? i'm listening.., maybe I can help..,,
g: (pauses.., sighs deeply) i'm scared to fall for the wrong guy.., to give my all and never even be seen..,
b: ...
g: (tries not to look at anything or anyone) i'm not looking for someone perfect..,
heck.., m more scared to find out that i'm not half the person he thinks I am..,
b: ...
g: (shrugs and gives out a steely look)
g: this is why i shouldn't have bothered to tell this to you.., you just don't get it..,
b: (looks at her for the first time) maybe.., what you say is true., but aren't you cheating yourself on the chance to be happy? to actually allow him to love you? are you happier thinking it could have been you and not some girl?
*silence*
b: (whispers to self) maybe.., if you will just allow me., you'll see.., being perfect is not what it's all about.., what i would give for you to just see me and allow me to love you as you are.,


haha cheesy much.., oh well.., that's all for now.., :D