There are girls that are born attractive, pretty, talented and smart. I can’t say that I am ugly. I get my fair share of admiration. It is just that I get to be sad. Ever since I can remember, I have this notion that I will meet this special guy that was specially born for me as I was born for him. I dreamt of the times when our paths would cross. All these dreams have one thing in common, the guy finds me first. That is the way it should be right? Guy sees girl and knows deep down that she is the one for him.
Most of the time while I was growing up, I never gave much thought to these things. But it is really ironic, it is during these times that feelings stir and guys come knocking and letting me know they exist. There was only one guy who made me want to believe that I am worthy of having romance. Yet, even this guy fell short of what I wanted in life. I was happy all the same. Life had a different meaning and everything beautiful.
Not all love story ends in happy ending and this is not one of those. I ended up hurt and lost and scared. That did not stop me from wishing that someday I’ll get over him and meet someone new. Someone who will be better and would love me greater to actually take the risk of letting me see that LOVE can happen.
These past months, I realized that I have already forgiven him and that I also did my fair share of heartaches. Sometimes we are the ones to get hurt and the other times we cause the pain. I also fell in love with the possibility of falling in love that I actually made myself believe in this reality. I allowed myself to hope but luckily, life provides me direct reproach during these times. Reality pops in and provides me not just warning but the truth that I cannot hope for these guys to take me seriously and actually care for me in that way.
I admit that I am now bummed out from all this. That I question why is it that there are girls far off worse from me but actually find someone who will care about them enough to love them, risk and fight for them. Then I deluded myself into thinking that maybe I have just not met the right guy. That someday my own price will come.
I want to know how it feels like to have Love a part of my reality. I admit that I get jealous of others who take the risks and actually find that person who wants to be a part of their future as that center of their lives. I get scared that I will end up alone. I do not show this weakness as I don’t want guys to take advantage of my fear.
I used to think that the problem is not with me but with the guys I meet. That I am too independent thinking and that I am too weird. I realized that it might be true. I keep people caged out as I do not want to get hurt, but that should not be enough for guys to lose hope and just give up. I get to think and right now, I know why. There are people destined to find the love of their lives and I am not one of them.
It was foolish of me and I will never allow myself to imagine a future with someone else. That might never happen for me and I should start accepting my reality that I am not just the girl worth the wait, time, effort and risk. So now, I will never allow myself to hope. That way, I don’t hurt myself further. I know I’m a coward but it’s who I am and I am tired of hoping and wishing and asking for Love to find me.
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