I know that I made this spot on the internet to show the world the part of me that believes in Love and that I have another blog where I show the real me. Well guess what.., I am not that person.., I just fool myself that I am that person.
Once again, just when I thought that things would pick up in my life. I am again standing at the cross-roads. I am again forced to evaluate the life that I have and the life I want.
Have I become a better person? Am I happier? Does anybody even give a damn?
I know that instead of sulking, I should go out and enjoy life. That somehow,I am in control of my life.
Deep down, I know that I am just one big farce. I act tough so that I won't get hurt but I think right now, there is nothing else to hurt as I was already broken a couple of years ago. That right now, I only feel frustrated and numb. That all the disappointments that still come my way is nothing but the truth of life that I just accepted in my life. That nothing good ever ever lasts. That the people that I allow to matter and hope to stay with me will never hurt me as they would know how loyal I can be.
Time and time,reality that you can never rely on anyone never ceases to amaze me. So I'm gonna stop this farce. I will never be happy in life in this lifetime as I am a coward and I still let other people run over me.
But last 2 years I reinvented myself on becoming a person that would not settle for no and who has rebuilt the wall of detachment. This time from this point on, I will stop dreaming, I will stop wishing. No one can understand me and no one will ever bother to.
I am special, I am strong, I am unique but I am just a human being deep down inside but this time, I'll just cease to hope but just aim to make the journey better and faster.
I gotta stop believing that people can be honest and just accept and respect me as me.
That is my impossible dream and I will just focus on the things that I can do on my end and from this point on, just live for finding myself and who I am and what I wanna be.
My life may be a failure but I am not gonna allow it to make me want to stop breathing.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
not mine for the taking
There are girls that are born attractive, pretty, talented and smart. I can’t say that I am ugly. I get my fair share of admiration. It is just that I get to be sad. Ever since I can remember, I have this notion that I will meet this special guy that was specially born for me as I was born for him. I dreamt of the times when our paths would cross. All these dreams have one thing in common, the guy finds me first. That is the way it should be right? Guy sees girl and knows deep down that she is the one for him.
Most of the time while I was growing up, I never gave much thought to these things. But it is really ironic, it is during these times that feelings stir and guys come knocking and letting me know they exist. There was only one guy who made me want to believe that I am worthy of having romance. Yet, even this guy fell short of what I wanted in life. I was happy all the same. Life had a different meaning and everything beautiful.
Not all love story ends in happy ending and this is not one of those. I ended up hurt and lost and scared. That did not stop me from wishing that someday I’ll get over him and meet someone new. Someone who will be better and would love me greater to actually take the risk of letting me see that LOVE can happen.
These past months, I realized that I have already forgiven him and that I also did my fair share of heartaches. Sometimes we are the ones to get hurt and the other times we cause the pain. I also fell in love with the possibility of falling in love that I actually made myself believe in this reality. I allowed myself to hope but luckily, life provides me direct reproach during these times. Reality pops in and provides me not just warning but the truth that I cannot hope for these guys to take me seriously and actually care for me in that way.
I admit that I am now bummed out from all this. That I question why is it that there are girls far off worse from me but actually find someone who will care about them enough to love them, risk and fight for them. Then I deluded myself into thinking that maybe I have just not met the right guy. That someday my own price will come.
I want to know how it feels like to have Love a part of my reality. I admit that I get jealous of others who take the risks and actually find that person who wants to be a part of their future as that center of their lives. I get scared that I will end up alone. I do not show this weakness as I don’t want guys to take advantage of my fear.
I used to think that the problem is not with me but with the guys I meet. That I am too independent thinking and that I am too weird. I realized that it might be true. I keep people caged out as I do not want to get hurt, but that should not be enough for guys to lose hope and just give up. I get to think and right now, I know why. There are people destined to find the love of their lives and I am not one of them.
It was foolish of me and I will never allow myself to imagine a future with someone else. That might never happen for me and I should start accepting my reality that I am not just the girl worth the wait, time, effort and risk. So now, I will never allow myself to hope. That way, I don’t hurt myself further. I know I’m a coward but it’s who I am and I am tired of hoping and wishing and asking for Love to find me.
Most of the time while I was growing up, I never gave much thought to these things. But it is really ironic, it is during these times that feelings stir and guys come knocking and letting me know they exist. There was only one guy who made me want to believe that I am worthy of having romance. Yet, even this guy fell short of what I wanted in life. I was happy all the same. Life had a different meaning and everything beautiful.
Not all love story ends in happy ending and this is not one of those. I ended up hurt and lost and scared. That did not stop me from wishing that someday I’ll get over him and meet someone new. Someone who will be better and would love me greater to actually take the risk of letting me see that LOVE can happen.
These past months, I realized that I have already forgiven him and that I also did my fair share of heartaches. Sometimes we are the ones to get hurt and the other times we cause the pain. I also fell in love with the possibility of falling in love that I actually made myself believe in this reality. I allowed myself to hope but luckily, life provides me direct reproach during these times. Reality pops in and provides me not just warning but the truth that I cannot hope for these guys to take me seriously and actually care for me in that way.
I admit that I am now bummed out from all this. That I question why is it that there are girls far off worse from me but actually find someone who will care about them enough to love them, risk and fight for them. Then I deluded myself into thinking that maybe I have just not met the right guy. That someday my own price will come.
I want to know how it feels like to have Love a part of my reality. I admit that I get jealous of others who take the risks and actually find that person who wants to be a part of their future as that center of their lives. I get scared that I will end up alone. I do not show this weakness as I don’t want guys to take advantage of my fear.
I used to think that the problem is not with me but with the guys I meet. That I am too independent thinking and that I am too weird. I realized that it might be true. I keep people caged out as I do not want to get hurt, but that should not be enough for guys to lose hope and just give up. I get to think and right now, I know why. There are people destined to find the love of their lives and I am not one of them.
It was foolish of me and I will never allow myself to imagine a future with someone else. That might never happen for me and I should start accepting my reality that I am not just the girl worth the wait, time, effort and risk. So now, I will never allow myself to hope. That way, I don’t hurt myself further. I know I’m a coward but it’s who I am and I am tired of hoping and wishing and asking for Love to find me.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
sileNt whisPer
I once dreamed as a child that I will get to have my own prince charming--a dashing, handsome and adorable prince to color my world and make everything right. Growing up with fairy tales tend to create this false idealism that girls should just wait for the right guy to make everything perfect.
Sad to say, I grew out of this fantasy way to early. I saw the flaw of the “prince charming” phenomenon.
I realized that it takes 2 to make a relationship work. I learned to see my worth and yearned to look not for the perfect guy but for the right guy. Yes, there is a difference between the two. The perfect guy is the person we were always meant to believe in. The one person who will make everything right, who seems to have mood and thought sensors that is on all the time. The right guy is the one who will be there not just to adore you but to see and respect you for who you are and your thoughts. The real difference between the perfect guy and the right guy lies in the ability of you being comfortable as you are.
There are also perfect guys in this world, they are not just found in fairy tales. Sad to say, we always wake up from the dream and long for someone real. Someone with flaws, tempers and moods just like us. It is not perfection that makes real Love happen. It’s those little details that you love to hate and hate to love that spells True Love. Everyone can love a rose, but not everyone can love the thorns.
Sad to say, I grew out of this fantasy way to early. I saw the flaw of the “prince charming” phenomenon.
I realized that it takes 2 to make a relationship work. I learned to see my worth and yearned to look not for the perfect guy but for the right guy. Yes, there is a difference between the two. The perfect guy is the person we were always meant to believe in. The one person who will make everything right, who seems to have mood and thought sensors that is on all the time. The right guy is the one who will be there not just to adore you but to see and respect you for who you are and your thoughts. The real difference between the perfect guy and the right guy lies in the ability of you being comfortable as you are.
There are also perfect guys in this world, they are not just found in fairy tales. Sad to say, we always wake up from the dream and long for someone real. Someone with flaws, tempers and moods just like us. It is not perfection that makes real Love happen. It’s those little details that you love to hate and hate to love that spells True Love. Everyone can love a rose, but not everyone can love the thorns.
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